PART 2 - 2010 BOSCO AWARDS
Seee PART 1 – 2010 Bosco Awards
Wait a minute. Damn.
Now I’m hearing there is some other kind of ruckus at the side entrance. Whit’s behind the bar now and indicates he is hooking up the surveillance camera so that it can be viewed on one of the big screen TV’s. Oh there it is now.
It appears the security detail has grabbed some guy trying to sneak in the side entrance in a Mr. Potato Head suit. He’s carrying a sign that says “Ash Potatoes ‘Hearts’ Barack Obama”. He is evidently saying that he only wanted to shake Obama’s hand, but the security guards don’t seem to be buying his story as they are pummeling him mercilessly. Luckily, the potato head suit appears well padded and it doesn’t look like the guy is being hurt.
Now I’m being told that his papers say he is Canadian. Evidently, he will be held until TSA and Homeland Security arrive. We will keep you advised as to how this all turns out.
But now, back to the program.
The Elephant Bar’s 1st Annual Bosco Awards
Welcome friends to the 1st Annual Elephant Bar Bosco Awards.
We are still getting feeds to the big screen TV’s from the x-ray machine out front and it seems like there is still a big crowd trying to get x-ray’d. Sam is still swamped over at the secondary pat down area. But it’s getting late and we have to start the show.
These awards recognize exceptional blogging for the year 2010, much of the best work done by posters who were fully intoxicated. The Award itself is in the form of a 10” tall bear, cute as a button. It would look good on anyone’s mantle, book case , or trophy shelf.
The Master of Ceremonies for tonight’s event will be …well…it’s me, Quirk.
Since this is the first Bosco Awards ceremony I will take a few minutes to take care of a little housekeeping and try to explain how the ceremony was organized.
The accounting firm of Quirk and Sons, L.L.P.C. has been holding the award results in their secret office on their secret island. Their representative presented me with the results of the awards earlier today.
The votes on the blog posts were judged by an independent committee consisting of me.
(I should point out that when I suggested the idea for the Boscos back in April of this year, the idea was met with almost universal indifference. Since that time the indifference has continued if not grown. In addition, some have threatened to boycott, there has been increasing scorn, and objections have been raised against the presumption of such an idea. There have also been threats of lawsuits and death. I am asked not to discuss the latter due to the ongoing criminal investigation. At any rate, the judging and the awards ceremony itself has been pretty much a one man show; however, there have been occasions throughout the year when one poster or another in commenting on another poster’s contribution indicated that a particular post should be considered for a Bosco Award. I can pretty much guarantee you that in all those instances the suggestion was followed.)
I should at this point also tell you what is not included in tonight’s program.
1. Our month’s long research shows that the following topics were the most talked about this year:
• The Middle East, Israel and Palestine
• Obama, his wife, and administration
• The Elections
• Politicians and Pundits as Dicks
• Peak Oil/Ethanol/Alternative Energy
• BP Oil Spill
Posts on these subjects were heated and took up a good portion of the total blog space. The problem was that they were all so damn good. The points and counterpoints were all concise, pointed, logical and articulate. Each poster brought his A-game to the debate. And while it was obvious that one side or the other had to be right, we where judging the quality of the posts not the specific subject matter. The end result? It was impossible to pick a winner. So we didn’t.
2. Any post by Anonymous was obviously not considered. Since there are so many Anonymi it is impossible to judge who said what. In the words of one of our barkeeps, “We got an awful lot of Anonymi on this Blog.” Well said.
3. The posts by one specific author were also not included at his request. He additionally requested that he not be mentioned at all since any participation on his part could be construed as support for the person putting this program together. Naturally, we have reluctantly bent to his request and allowed him to maintain his anonymity and his dignity.
4. No employees of Souls-R-Us or of their affiliates, subsidiaries, agents, representatives, joint ventures, marketing agents, or the families or friends of these employees, agents, or firms may be considered eligible for Bosco Award nominations.
5. Lastly, we have disqualified some of the extended interchanges that were posted. Many of these involved a number of posters in an extended discussion of one subject or another. They tended to occur mostly on Friday’s or late at night. Many were clever and some extremely funny. Unfortunately, we had to disqualify them because they often involved people disqualified for reasons noted above or the fact that those people may have been referenced. Where this problem didn’t apply, it still would have been difficult to pull individual posts from the stream as this would have spoiled the continuity. Truly unfortunate, but there you have it.
Taking these exceptions excluded approximately 80% of the total posts at the EB this year. These exceptions helped a lot since it still left thousands of posts to review.
One special note.
Since the bar in toto decided to ignore the idea of the awards program most of the awards have already been determined by the independent judging committee. However, there is one category that the bar can participate in if they so choose. That category is for the EB Song of the Year, awarded to the song that best reflects the spirit of the EB. A number of songs nominated by the independent committee will be played throughout the program. You can vote throughout the program for your favorite and after the last commercial break the winner will be announced.
Our law firm, Quirk, Quirk, Quirk, and Quirk L.L.P.C., has asked that I make the following announcement.
If there is a tie in votes on the Song of the Year, the tie will be broken by the Master of Ceremonies. If there are no votes, the winner will be determined by the independent committee. If there is any question whatsoever regarding the final result, the votes will be recounted assigning one vote to each poster who participates and “one exceedingly large” vote to Quirk.
You may also notice that occasionally screen names will be “bleeped”. This is intended to protect the innocent (or as close as we come to innocent here at the EB). Although, major subject matter categories have been eliminated as noted above; there will be occasional exceptions for posts that have what we determined to be special value over and above their argumentative value. This could include their intrinsic wit, style, word structure, or any other aspect that might make them unique.
The lawyers also requested that I ask that because of the length of our program any acceptance speeches you choose to give be at most 4,096 characters.
The lawyers have also stated that in anticipation of lawsuits from tonight’s show they want to remind all attending or watching this show that claims of libel and slander are especially hard to prove and that we have a crack team of criminal and civil lawyers on alert ready to defend Souls-R-Us and its employees against any suits that may be brought.
Finally, let me comment on the refreshments for tonight’s ceremony.
Unfortunately, our resources were very limited this year since I received absolutely no support whatsoever, no offers of assistance, no contributions of time or money, no…
Well, anyway there are a few bags of Bugles over there and some Mike’s Hard Lemonade in that barrel by the wall. Yeah, the one with the ice in it. We have two kinds of Bugles, the ‘Smokin Barbeque’ and the ‘Original’ (they are all natural and vegetarian). The Kroger’s down the street also chipped in four cases of Whipped Lightning alcohol infused whipped cream that was nearing its expiration date. And for the ladies we were able to scrounge up a case of ‘blackout in a can’, Four Loko that was made before they started taking the caffeine out. Costco kicked in a ton of paper plates and napkins. As for the rest it’s a cash bar.
I brought a bottle of Remi Martin. However, since there is only one bottle, it will be reserved for the Master of Ceremonies, the Independent Committee, and the representative of our Accounting and Legal Firms. I wrote my name on the bottle so please respect. I also have an almost full forty ounce bottle of absinthe I picked up at the duty free shop coming out of Canada. I’m bringing it to the after-party if any of the ladies are interested.
By the way, the after-party will be held at the VFW Hall about two miles down the interstate on the right hand side. Evidently, the VFW Hall is also a notorious blind pig. [H/T to Rufus. He found this out while visiting the VA hospital in Mississippi when he popped in for some drugs.]
Ok, so that takes care of the housekeeping.
Let’s take a brief commercial break and then get on to the awards ceremony.
Welcome back folks.
Welcome to the first annual Bosco Awards. A reminiscence and retrospective of the efforts put forth here at the Elephant Bar. And what can one say of the Elephant Bar itself? Well, here’s what a few have said.
Gag Reflex said...
The Elephant Bar, where contentious folk gather!
Wed Jun 02, 03:30:00 PM EDT
Stella B. Starlight said...
Those elephants are sexy.
Tue Oct 05, 03:09:00 PM EDT
Good Morning!!! 2164th.blogspot.com is one of the most excellent resourceful websites of its kind. I enjoy reading it every day. All the best.
Wed Dec 16, 02:37:00 PM EST
Mr Casinos said...
Great and really wonderful. i found this site really awesome.
Mon Aug 23, 04:01:00 AM EDT
And from the Boss
No one will ever accuse us of caution.
Tue Jul 20, 08:53:00 AM EDT
To which Rufus replies
Yeah, if "Trojan" had to depend on this bunch they'd be out of business in a month. :)
Tue Jul 20, 08:58:00 AM EDT
And finally from Whit
http://www.puttingthefunindysfunctional.com/2009/11/punctuation-saves-lives.html>Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional: Punctuation Saves Lives
Tue Aug 10, 08:50:00 PM EDT
Yeah, I know, that last one doesn’t really apply but then Whit is always going off topic.
Well to sum it up in the words of Deuce
Just do it Willie. At the EB we seek no quarter and offer none. No icon is too tall to be whacked and no earth so sacred to not be scorched with some degree of regularity.
Give us you wrinkled, your scarred, your swollen knuckled masses of kicked asses. Always welcomed at the bar that never closes.
Tue Jun 22, 05:42:00 AM EDT
Well, I guess we can all agree that's the EB.
Now on with the show.
To start the program off tonight we are going to play the first of four songs nominated as EB Song of the Year.
Again remember, if you elect to vote later in the program, the Song of the Year is meant to reflect the spirit of the EB. Some have suggested that the nominated songs should have a more martial or conflict-orientated theme (Flight of the Valkyries or The 1812 Overture for instance); however, the committee chose to go for songs that portray the underlying ambiance of the bar.
With this in mind, tonight’s first nominated song is: “So Much Cooler on Line” by Brad Paisley.
All right, great way to get us started off tonight. Thanks Brad.
Before the first award is announced, I want to send out a big welcome to everyone in the Dick’s Section. I wanted to give a little shout out to you guys, Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd, Keith Olbermann, Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Bill Kristol, everyone over there.
“Yo guys. Drink up and enjoy!”
Oh my. I notice things seem to be getting a little wild there. Nancy Pelosi evidently started drinking early tonight. She’s giggling and appears to be trying to wrestle Harry Reid’s tie off. Rachel Maddow is blatantly flirting with Selah who is at a table on the other side of the bar. I don’t know who the lady sitting with Selah is but she is definitely getting pissed. And Glenn Beck is crying like a baby.
Now one of the Barbarian security guards is trying to get one of the regulars to back off. It looks like… yeah it’s Trish. Looks like she’s trying to force her way in so she can get Andrew Sullivan’s autograph. Sullivan looks a little nervous but he’s smiling.
“Hey, Trish, keep it down, I’m trying to put on a show here.“
“Naw, just kidding honey. Enjoy yourself. That’s what we’re here for.”
That little minx.
Well back to the show.
Starting out in alphabetical order…, naw, not really. Just wanted to start with something that will get us in the mood. Tonight’s first official award presentation goes to Allen. He will be receiving the Bosco Award for The Most Non-Spontaneous Spontaneous Video award for this little gem.
Thu Dec 10, 07:13:00 PM
All right Allen. Good job and congratulations.
Melissa Etheridge is here to present the award.
The next award will…
Excuse me folks, we need to pause one minute. The band is starting up “Hail to the Chief” and Barack Obama is now entering the bar. All rise to greet the President as he is led to his seat in the VIP Section by Stevie Wonder. This is causing a little confusion since someone usually has to help Stevie get to his seat. Quite a bit of damage is occurring as he keeps tripping over tables and spilling drinks. Whit’s over there now and is leading the president to his seat.
Stevie now has hold of Oprah’s right boob and she is trying to fend him off. Pee Wee Herman is trying to help. Or is he?
I just overheard Lebron James say, “Stevie, you are one crazy dude. Man, wierd stuff.”
Whit is now shooing Tareq Salahi out of Obama’s seat while Michaele Salahi is asking a security guard to take here picture posing with Paul McCartney. Oprah’s seated now and things seem to be calming down. However, Stevie Wonder is still over talking to the wooden cigar store Indian Deuce installed near the bar entrance.
“Hey, can one of you guys help Stevie get to his seat? Thank you. Yes. Thank you. And get Stevie something to drink. That’s right. Thanks.”
“And thank you rat.” I should have mentioned when I said band I meant rat. One of the guys at the Souls-R-Us Army/Navy Store located one of those trumpets with the recording devise that the military use for funerals. Rat was kind enough to help us out by flipping the switch and holding it to his mouth. Looked pretty damn professional too. Good job. [H/T to the rat]
Well, now that things are settled down I guess we can resume.
“Well, Mr. President nice of you to make it. Next time, let’s try to get here on time.”
“Heh. Heh. Just kidding sir. It was kind of you to fit us into your schedule. This is quite an honor. Say waiter, run next door and get the President a hamburger. It’s on me. We got your back Mr. President.”
“What a great guy.”
“Hey, cut it out you guys. Settle down. They’re just kidding Mr. President. We all love you here at the EB.”
All right our next awards group includes categories where many of the award nominees were unable to attend tonight’s show. Therefore, the Committee held a pot-luck luncheon this afternoon to honor those nominees.
The first award in this group is for Best Foreign Language Post. The nominees are
1. Gag Reflex for: “Qu'ils mangent de la brioche”
Translation (French to English): “Let them eat cake.”
2. 咪摩兔 for:
Fri Oct 15, 11:13:00 PM EDT
Translation (Chinese to English): “Amy said ... Mount rabbit financing revolving credit car loans scrivener.”
3. Trish for:
"I have my opinion on Iran; you have yours."
I thought maybe, just maybe, the rough measurement of "so little" came from some visibility on the matter.
But, since here we are dealing merely in opinions, the very extent to which current goings-on - hardly a revolution but somewhat protracted turmoil, say - are not associated with us, with the Israelis, with the Sauds, is a very good thing. For this reason - along with the relative ease of abandoning any particular program, with no one the wiser, should it be headed south - covert operations were invented.
It would kinda spoil everything if the world were truly privy to the sources and amount of involvement, if any.
Thu Feb 11, 06:05:00 PM EST
Translation (Trish to Normal English): Plausible deniability is a good thing. [We think]
4. The last quote also comes from
Trish for: “Quirk! Es tut mir leid!”
Translation (German to English): “Quirk, I’m sorry.”
By unanimous decision the committee awards the “Best Foreign Language Post” Award to Gag Reflex. (Though, there is still some confusion as to whether the phrase means “Let them eat cake” or “Let them eat pot” either version seems to work.)
Gag Reflex said...
“Qu'ils mangent de la brioche”
Fri Aug 06, 05:32:00 PM EDT
Accepting for Gag Reflex is a Jerry Lewis impersonator.
Trish’s nomination for “Quirk! Es tut mir leid!” really had little chance of winning but I just really like hearing her say it.
Thu Sep 30, 01:15:00 AM EDT
Mon May 24, 12:09:00 AM EDT
Thu Apr 29, 09:30:00 PM EDT
Whenever a vote is taken at the EB, the following post has always garnered a lot of applause. The Bosco for the Better Safe Than Sorry Award award goes to everyone who has ever written one of these
This post has been removed by the author.
Sat May 29, 03:55:00 PM EDT
Now, our last award at today’s luncheon was presented to Deuce for his continuing brilliance in bringing stellar artwork to enhance the posts here at the Elephant Bar. It was a difficult choice because of the magnitude of fine art Deuce has posted this year. That being said, our choice for this year’s Bosco for Best Art of the Year is awarded to
Well, we are going to take a quick commercial break and be back in a moment.
Ok, we’re back and I notice that what appear to be TSA guys have the guy in the Mr. Potato Head suit in cuffs and they’re talking to Deuce at the bar. Deuce is now gesturing to the ‘time out’ seat with the dunce’s cap over here in the corner, and after a brief discussion, one of the TSA guys is taking the head off the costume.
Damn. It’s Ash. Who woulda thunk it?
They are uncuffing and releasing Ash and it looks like his first priority is to get a drink. He’s heading for the bar.
I gotta say it, “I love this bar.”
You people are crazy. Bat-fuck crazy.
"I’ve been watching you. Saves some of those Bugles for the rest of us."
"Just kidding. Just kidding. Bon Appetit. Knock yourself out.”
Well, it’s time for our second “Song of the Year” nominee.
And the second nominee is”
I Love This Bar (sung by Toby Keith)
Thanks Toby. That was Great.
Give em a hand folks.
( PART THREE WILL BE NEXT)