Hello folks. This is the old Quirkster coming to you from the red carpet outside of the beautiful, newly renovated Elephant Bar located in downtown 2164th.blogspot.com.
We are here tonight for the 1st Annual Bosco Awards celebrating the best of the best among the posts at the EB for 2010. The program is scheduled to start about 7:00 pm; however, we thought we’d come out front a little early to give you a picture of some of the color and excitement surrounding this historical event.
We have passed the winter solstice, it’s the New Year, and good times lie ahead. It’s a clear night and you can see the moon over the grassy knoll the other side of the parking lot. The parking lot itself is jammed with RV’s and pickup trucks and the tailgate parties have been going on since early this morning. There is the smell ribs and brisket in the air. The brewskis have been flowing and the anticipation is building to a fever pitch.
Crowds are about five or six deep on both sides of the red carpet that leads from the parking lot to the bar. The sound of the vuvuvelas is deafening and makes it a little difficult for me to speak but I will try to talk over them. On that subject, I have been asked by Souls-R-Us management to state publically that we are not responsible for supplying the vuvuvelas tonight and take no responsibility for the annoying sounds being produced by the crowd.
I am not at liberty to state who has the concession for the vuvuvelas, but on the subject of Souls-R-Us I can state that they have won the production rights for this year’s awards ceremony. I’m sure you are all aware of the rumors and scuttlebutt that are flying around right now regarding the awards program. There is a lot of money and a lot of politics involved.
Souls-R-Us has the production rights for the ceremony for one year only. The rights for next year’s ceremony (if there is one) are currently in negotiation and the bargaining has become quite bitter. Souls-R-Us management has gone on record publically stating that “Whit is a tin horn prick and that his threats of cancelling next year’s program are merely bargaining tactics”. The EB management has issued a scathing rebuttal to Souls-R-Us stating that “He is not.”
EB Management further states with the amount of money involved it only makes sense to look at alternatives. They state they are alternately looking at running a 14 day festival featuring nightly episodes of a new docudrama produced by the team of rat and WiO that gives a dramatized history of major events that have occurred over the past 3000 years in the Levant. The name of the series hasn’t been finalized yet although two working titles have been discussed. One is The History of Israel and the other is The History of Palestine. There are also rumors of some dissension among the production team for that event. Souls-R-Us Management indicates that it’s all a ruse. They say the docudrama will never get off the ground, at least not in time to replace next year’s ceremony. They also indicate they are aware that the EB has also entered discussion with the company that has the syndication rights for the Friends TV show and that the EB may just start showing reruns of that show on big screen TV.
It is all becoming very public, very political, and very ugly; and in no way reflects well on any of the parties involved.
But enough politics.
All that has nothing to do with tonight’s gala events.
Let’s get starte…..whoa…Geez!!!...
Look I’m sorry folks. It scared the shit out… I mean… What happened was… Well as I mentioned before, the boys in the parking lot have been drinking since early this morning and some of them just aren’t thinking too clearly. A lot of them planned on having deep-fried turkey as part of the tailgating. About noon today, one of the guys dropped a half frozen turkey into the boiling oil of the deep fryer and the whole damn thing exploded.
Shot the turkey about forty feet into the air. What a dumb shit.
Anyway, a little later the same thing happened again. Now, this is the third time. The crowd is so fucked up out there I think they are actually doing it on purpose now. The noise scares the shit out of you, but I do have to admit it’s pretty spectacular when they launch. And each time it happens now there is a lot of cheering from the crowd.
Well back to the pre-show.
I’m about half way down the red carpet and as I look towards the EB it is a beautiful site. The front façade of the bar is decorated with a mural of two magnificent elephants in the midst of a tremendous battle, their tusks flashing. The mural was painted by famous UK naturalist artist Anthony Gibbs from an original Photoshopped print produced by the EB management.
Another piece of interesting trivia for you. The new façade has only been up a couple of months now but some miscreant has already defaced it with graffiti albeit so small that it usually goes unnoticed. However, if you look at the lower right hand corner of the mural you will notice that someone has painted in the picture of a rat rampant waving his tiny rat paws as if challenging the pendulous pachyderms in the picture.
Really kind of cute. But still there is absolutely no justification for defacing a magnificent piece of art in this manner!!
But still, kind of cute.
Now, as we pan to the right, you will see Whit posted by the velvet ropes leading to the entrance of the bar. He looks pretty dapper in his tux and red cummerbund. I am going to try to move down and get a word with him if I can.
“Hey Whit, how’s it going? Can you tell us anything about how negotiations are going for next year’s show? What?”
“I said, buzz off, I’m trying to do some business here.”
“Okay. Okay. Just trying to do my job.”
All right then, moving right along. I see that security is manning the full-scan x-ray machines that were installed a couple of days ago. Souls-R-Us arranged for additional security through our affiliation with Two Men And A Truck and some firemen we knew that had tonight off. Also there were a few WWE wrestlers that stopped into the EB for a drink a few days ago and never left. They said they were in the mood to “crack some heads” so we hired them too.
On my way out here tonight I talked to a couple of the security guys to see how things were going. They were a little concerned with the size of the crowd and the fact that everyone was pushing and shoving trying to have their x-rays taken. The x-rays are being fed to one of the big screen TVs inside the EB. The faces are of course pixilated to protect identities.
The guard I talked to indicated that all the people were in his words “thoroughly wasted” and were saying that the x-ray machines were more fun than mooning the copier at the office Christmas party and handing out the pictures to everyone. [Memo to self on possible commercial opportunity. Heh. Heh. :)]
The guard also mentioned that a lot of the ladies seem to be shoving things down their panties and bras so that they would qualify for the secondary frisking being conducted inside the bar. By the way, Sam won the lottery held earlier today to determine who gets to conduct the secondary enhanced pat downs.
Oh boy. What now?
We seem to have another disturbance. There appear to be two yahoos with bull horns in the back of a Toyota pickup parked on the grassy knoll. Looks like Whit has dispatched a couple of the security guards to drag them down off there.
Yea, and as they get closer I can see its LT and Gag Reflex. They look to be drunk as skunks and LT is still wearing his lineman’s helmet. Gag has on his Cabela’s cap in camo and a t-shirt with a heat-stamped sign showing duct tape holding up a sign that reads “Real Men Use Duct Tape”.
I should mention at this point that Souls-R-Us is doing a big business in our T-Shirt Outlet/Tattoo Parlor. Our tent is at the entrance to the parking lot right across from the Marine Recruiting Center Tent and next to the Allstate Insurance Tent.
Well here comes LT and Gag now.
“Hey, LT how’s it going?”
“Fuck you Quirk.”
“Hey, Gag. Gag Reflex. I’d like to…”
“Go piss up a rope, you little prick.”
Boy, those two are always joking around. But you gotta love em.
“Hey, Whit, make sure those two shits check their guns inside. The bull horns too.”
Speaking of the newly decorated EB, I have already mentioned some of the decorations, the mural and all. The balance of the bar design was created by famed Chinese designer Fang Shway. It should be noted, however, Deuce and Whit insisted that certain traditional touches that really define the EB remain. For instance, anyone familiar with the old EB will recognize the sign over the front door. "Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate." ("All hope abandon, ye who enter in.")
The sign is the original but we refurbished an electric Christmas stencil light so that now the sign appears to be engulfed in a slowly moving green mist. Quite an eerie effect. (H/T to Cleaning Lady for coming up with the stencil lamp.)
Well it’s getting close to the start of the program, and the V.I.P.’s and regulars should start arriving soon. This is what the crowd has been waiting for. I should mention that the crowd seems to be divided in their loyalties. The various sections seem to be divided by faction. For instance, I am in a section surrounded by people in red sweatshirts that read “SHE Who Must Be OBEYED”.
They seem to be big fans of Trish.
Directly across the way there is a crowd of people wearing yarmulkes and sweatshirts that read “ADAM The Man. The Myth. The Legend.” who seem to be fans of Allen. Opposite them on this side of the red carpet is another group again wearing yarmulkes. Can’t see their shirts but they occasionally break into cheers of “Wio” “WiO” “WiO”. Every so often someone in that group shouts “Nuke the Rock.”
With other groups it’s a little harder to determine where their loyalties lie. For instance, one group is waving banners that say “Embrace Your Irrelevance”. Another group has sweatshirts that read “Big Bad FRANK”. Still another group is wearing Viking helmets with horns on the sides. It’s difficult to tell if they are rooting for one of the regulars or are a group of Minnesota Vikings fans who just stopped in for a beer.
I would provide more color but the crowd has spontaneously started doing the wave and it is hard to get more detail. Besides it appears the first of the regulars have started to arrive.
Yes, here comes Trish.
She’s looking marvelous in an airy, light pistachio green knee-length gown by Monique Lhuillier. The gown itself is cut low in the front and ‘very-low’ in the back revealing a tramp stamp that says “Support Our Troops”. (Impossible to tell if it’s permanent or a henna peel-off. We sell both types at the “Souls-R-Us T-Shirt/Tattoo Parlor tent).
As she makes her way down the red carpet in killer black patent and fabric, pointy-toed heels by Christian Louboutin, the crowd breaks into spontaneous cries of “Trish.” “Trish.” “Trish.”
Next, a murmur goes through the crowd as Melody starts down the red carpet.
Mel is dressed in an orange wooly jumper that hides her mysterious tats (yes I said tats, as in tattoos, you perverts). She is also wearing black knee high stiletto boots, of course, with a Packham’s clutch.
The crowd begins a rhythmic “MLD” “MLD” “MLD” as she passes.
Since she is on this side of the carpet I’ll try to catch her attention.
“Mel. Mel. Can I have a word with you?”
“How do you mean that?”
“You people think I am just a flighty bumble-head. I have views on all these subjects but if I choose not to express them that’s my business.”
“But I just want to ask…”
“I’m staying. I’m not letting you guys determine where and when I can stop by for a drink, post a few songs, be happy. Fuck you and your issues.”
OK. Well, it looks like the third muse has just arrived. Here comes Selah (T, Lilith, Teresita, et al).
Selah is dressed in a daring black and blue Marchesa mini paired with a crazy kool and I must say awesomely bold pair of canary yellow heels. Dynamite! She has no clutch but she is sporting a tat on her right arm which pictures Gothic lettering in Spanish. It appears to read, “Don’t Tread on Me, Hombre.” However, my Spanish is a little weak and it could just say “F.U.C.K. D.A.D.T.”
At any rate, she is getting the usual applause from crowd; although it is a little more confusing since there does not appear to be any consensus as to which persona is appreciated more. Cheers of “Selah”, “T”, “American Woman”, “Isis?”, “Teresita”, "Lilith"and numerous others are combined in a general babble and cacophony.
Now as Selah makes her way towards the x-rays, I see the VIPS are arriving.
Five huge VH-3D Sea King helicopters from the HMX-1 “Nighthawks” Squadron are now circling the parking lot area in a random pattern. A muffled “ooooowww” goes up from the crowd.
Now one of the helicopters breaks out from the pattern and heads for the EB’s heli-pad. That’s right folks, we can tell you now. Our surprise guest for tonight’s award ceremony is the The President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama. Now you can see the reason for the secrecy and for and the scheduling delays in setting up our program.
Marine One has now landed and we are waiting for the President to exit the copter. The escort helicopters that acted as decoys are still circling the parking lot. And now in the background it appears a giant C-130 Hercules transport is coming in for a landing on the interstate the other side of the parking lot.
Ooh Baby, this is starting to get exciting.
Oh damn! What now?
Shit! Sorry. It looks like one of those yahoos in the parking lot just shot off another turkey. It seems to have taken out one of the escort copters. The pilot of the damaged copter is bringing it in with a controlled pinwheeling maneuver.
He now has it on the ground and it appears there was little additional damage to the coptor. Hopefully, there was no one injured. Great job by the pilot.
The other escort coptors have now landed and Rangers in full riot gear are pouring out. Heads are being cracked. After initially falling back the crowd has regrouped. The Rangers are now being pelted by snow balls and various types of BarBQue foodstuffs.
It’s starting to get ugly.
Whit has jumped into action and is now running up the red carpet followed by a phalanx of security guards. They are rushing into the melee in the parking lot and starting to pass out Jello Shots. Ineffective at first, the move seems to be slowly bringing the tumult under control. Good work Whit, and good thinking too.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been instructed to make the following announcement.
Shooting objects at federal aircraft is strictly prohibited and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. In addition, there is a possibility that you will be banned from future EB events.
I have also been asked to make this additional announcement.
You will note that there are no Secret Service men here with the President tonight. We have been informed that Mrs. Obama and her daughters are on their monthly ‘girls night out’. It’s my understanding she is currently visiting Cairo with a party that includes Philipe Sarcozy, Naomi Cambell, Madonna, Brittany Spears, selected members of the Rockettes, the entire secret service, staff, a few friends and family, and Brad Pitt. The size of the contingency/coterie taking both Air Force One, Air Force Two, and two C30s to transport them.
After leaving Egypt, the First Lady will travel to India to visit the Taj Mahal, and then to Shanghai for a view of the World Expo. Of course, this is also a “mix business with pleasure” trip. She will be having lunch with Liu Xia wife of dissident Nobel Prize Winner Liu Xiaobo and they will discuss the plight of fat kids. In India, she will have latte with some women’s groups and will deliver a 10 minute speech on the growing chasm between the haves and have-nots of the world. In Shanghai, while there are no official meetings, the Bund will be cordoned off while Michelle and her party bar-b-que along the Huangpu. She is expected to wave to certain portions of the crowd.
Now, with no Secret Service available, Souls-R-Us has been asked to provide security for the President. We have arranged to have members of the Barbarians Motorcycle Gang provide that security. The gang members are now exiting the C130 and are presenting a formidable and intimidating front as they cross the parking lot. And it also looks like the President is also now exiting Marine One.
Yes, the President is smiling and waving as he exits. He is followed by an entourage that includes Oprah Winfrey, Pee Wee Herman, Robert Gibbs, Pete Rouse, Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney, Lebron James and various functionaries.
Other VIP’s including Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi flew in with the Barbarians on the C130. As a matter of fact I think I see them being escorted to the red carpet now on the back of a couple of the Barbarian’s ‘hogs’.
As Obama makes his way up the red carpet he is greeted by occasional burst of applause, a nice gesture from this predominantly conservative crowd. Factors in the president’s positive reception may be the fact that the crowd is literally wasted and there are signs provided by Souls-R-Us Marketing that are occasionally raised to the crowd that state “APPLAUD and Get a Free Beer”.
The Obama entourage has now reached the x-ray machines but the line is still backed-up. There is kind of a ruckus as Robert Gibbs tries to arrange for Obama to take cuts. Some huge guy with “Frank” printed on his sweatshirt seems especially pissed off. Whit is trying to arrange for Obama to bypass the x-ray screening and enter through the side door. However, Oprah is demanding to be x-ray’d.
Well, this could take awhile and it’s almost time for the award show to start so I am going to have to make my way inside.
Whew, that was tough.
Sam must be surrounded by thirty chicks waiting for the secondary pat-down. Also, for anyone attending the ceremony, be careful not to trip over that pile of weapons as you enter the front door.
Well Deuce has really done a great job renovating the old EB. It looks great. The long-bar stretches along the entire south side of the building. Whit and Deuce have arranged for it to be manned, if that’s the appropriate term, by some of the EB’s favorite celebrity barkeeps.
And for the sports fans here tonight
And especially for Rufus
Drink up folks.
Turning towards the north side of the bar we see the Band/VIP area behind the chicken wire. On the south side of the bar is a large board where memorials to past bar members are posted.
I’m now moving towards the east side of the bar where a stage for tonight’s ceremony has been set up. You’ll notice there is a stool set up in the northeast corner with a dunce cap sitting on it. The stool is a new ad at the EB and is reserved for the person who posts the “Worst Post of the Week”.
Anyway, as I look out across the bar, I see we’ve got a pretty full house. Many of the people here tonight are sporting Looters T-Shirts. Sporty T’s in red, orange , and black colors, with a pirate’s image heat stamped under the message
My Job Is Done Here
A few others are wearing Producers T’s in blue and white with lettering that state Producers Rock. Both T’s can be purchased at the bar if you are interested. They are down by the white T’s used for the wet-T-shirt contests.
It appears most of the regulars are in their seats now. Rufus is at a table with rat. He’s wearing a John Deere cap and his Looters T. He seems to be enjoying himself drinking from what appears to be a peanut butter jar with some clear liquid in it. Rat is wearing his iconic Pancho Villa hat and appears to be sipping tequila. There is a sack on the floor next to him that occasionally appears to hop?
I see Doug at the bar talking to Danica and sipping on his pina colada. Hope Rufus doesn't notice. And Gnossos is at a table near Ruf and rat. He’s surrounded by model quality chicks, a blond, a brunette, a redhead, and a young one (maybe too young?) with spike hair in black and blue with crimson tips.
“Hey, Gnossos, I’ll see you at the after-party.” (Always liked that guy.)
They’ve removed the mechanical bull and the cage used for the extreme fighting matches in order to provide more room for the awards ceremony and extra tables have been brought in. Not to be redundant but the place looks pretty damn good.
Deuce is now entering the bar. He’s wearing a tux and a dress cape with red lining. Not a look many men could pull off. But the guy looks marvelous. He gets a big hand from the patrons as he makes his way over to the long-bar to talk to the girls and check on the till.
Well, now that the Big Guy is here it’s about time we got this show on the road.
(PART TWO IS COMING)