HOROSCOPE – TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Origin – Second sign of the zodiac; named after Venus the goddess of love and peace. Taurus has always been represented by the bull. The bull constellation’s appearance in the night sky, usually around May Day, coincided with the spring fertility festivals in ancient times..
Controlling Planet – Venus
Lucky Day – Friday
Color – Blue
Element – Earth
Symbol – Bull
Energy Drink – Red Bull
Movie – Raging Bull
Civil War Battle -- Manassas
Compatible Signs – Scorpio, Virgo, Capricorn
Incompatible Signs – Aries, Sagittarius, Gemini
Famous Taurus – Charlotte Bronte, Immanuel Kant , Nicolai Lenin, Leonardo Da Vinci, Barbara Streisand, Karl Marx, Cher, Eva Peron, Joe Lewis, Richard Daily, Ulysses S. Grant, Shirley McClain, Catherine de Medici, Elton John, Adolph Hitler, Charles Manson
Taurus Quote (Male) – Yogi Berra “I couldn’t tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on its head.”
Taurus Quote (Male) – Harry Truman “You can’t get rich in politics unless you are a crook.”
Taurus Quote (Male) – Tom Snyder “If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?”
Taurus Quote (Female) – Anouk Aimee “It’s so much better to desire than to have.”
Attributes – Strong, tenacious, virile, down-to-earth, dependable, caring, sensual, stubborn, possessive, cautious, vain, patronizing, vindictive, and lord knows, pretty damn lazy. Oh, and they tend to fart a lot.
Being an earth sign the Taurus is a sensual being. They love food, comfortable clothes, constant sex, and oh yea, food. It doesn’t matter whether the Taurus is a bull-in-the-china-shop Minotaur or a peace-loving Ferdinand, he is still usually obese. He’s also easy going and indolent, at least until someone reaches for that last piece of pizza. Then look out. Taureans like watching paint dry and petting rocks.
The Taurus is usually a simple, straight forward guy who loves creature comforts. He is unlikely to be distracted by such peripheral concerns as thinking or feeling. Eating and screwing? Well, it just doesn’t get much better than that.
The Taurus does not like to lead but they do make good followers. Many Taureans are performers, primarily actors and singers. They are good with their hands and like simple earth-based jobs. They make good cops, construction workers, indians, soldiers, bikers, and cowboys. Many of them run Dunkin Donut franchises.
When it comes to finances, the Taurus avoids taking risks. His portfolio is typically made up of cash and cash equivalents. The cash equivalents being things like, well, like cash. Because of his fear of banks, the Taurus tends to keep things like savings, sperm, and extra blood under his mattress.
The Taurus is earthy and strong. They are liked by both sexes and most are bisexual. Their personal relationships are often complicated. Usually they are complicated by the fact that the Taurus rarely takes baths. In love, the Taurus is marked by virility, sexuality, and passion. While not in the least romantic, they enjoy sensual love and have legendary stamina. Once they start, they can perform forever. Of course, it’s possible it may just seem that way because of their silence and typical blank stares. Taureans make excellent ex-lovers.
Appropriate Taurus Pets – A Taurus needs a pet that matches his lifestyle. Rabbits, large snakes, and giant sloths are appropriate pets for the Taurus. Turtles may be appropriate if they lack motivation and tend to sleep most of the day. Any animal that requires exercise or which likes pizza is an inappropriate pet for a Taurus.
2010 Horoscope (Taurus) –
Unfortunately, this will be a very trying year for most Taureans. Head winds will be strong.
A Taurean is not the type of man to recognize or admit to one of his own mistakes. And it takes a real man to admit a mistake. Luckily, now that you are a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
This month, in order to assure your reservation, you will book that “Great Chefs of Europe” themed vacation that is scheduled for October. It is something you’ve always wanted to do; however, when the time comes for you to travel, your agent will inform you that because of the atomized remains of Mt. Eyjafjallajokull now blanketing much of Europe and still falling, flights have been grounded on any destinations east of Nova Scotia and that the tour has been cancelled. In recompense, he will offer you a trip to Pamplone for next year’s “running of the bulls”.
Your finances are also destined to suffer.
Within the next month, based on a viral rumor started by a Mississippi veteran on an obscure blog, gasoline prices will skyrocket to $4.00 plus per gallon. Because of the resulting hoarding and panic and to try to avoid a double-dip recession, the government will authorize massive subsidies for establishing local ethanol stills.
Knowing a good thing when you see it, you decide to convert the back 40 and build a still. However, when your first shipment of Novozymes is delayed from the supplier, you become enraged, sell the farm, and head west to take up bear wrangling. Only later will you find out that the riches you were told were associated with this occupation was merely part of an elaborate scheme dreamed up on a Goldman Sachs trading desk.
Avoid china shops and the color red this summer.
Next Month: Gemini (monthly personalized horoscopes available by request)
• Tarot Card readings are also available. Note: Official Wynn Casino “shoes” are used for choosing the cards and four decks of tarot cards are used at a time. This virtually guarantees that you will have four times the chance of meeting that dark, handsome stranger you have been dreaming about. (Disclaimer: Unfortunately, it also guarantees that the possibility that the dark stranger is an ax murderer is also increased by 400%)
• Private readings still available for female members of the EB.
• We no longer have a limited amount of souls (garnered through the New Zealand technique) available. The truth is due to an error in our purchasing department we are now overstocked on souls. And while they are no longer packaged in the gaily decorated Smuckers jars that everyone loved, they are now being packaged in conventional Kroger in-house jelly jars. As a promotion for our new Tarot department, we will be handing out one free soul with each new reading.
• Note: Discounts are available to fellow Rosicrucian’s. Bartering alternative available. Secret knowledge accepted
(Disclaimer: New rules are being developed as to what secret knowledge will be accepted. Some of the stuff you guys have been sending is just sick.)