Sunday, May 23, 2010
HOROSCOPE – GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Origin – Third sign of the zodiac; named after Castor and Pollux, twin stars and heroic brothers in Greek mythology.
Controlling Planet – Mercury
Lucky Day – Wednesday
Color – Yellow/Orange
Element – Air
Symbol – Twins
Lucky Number - Five
Compatible Signs – Libra, Aquarius, Gemini
Incompatible Signs – Scorpio, Capricorn
Famous Gemini – Che Guavera, Donald Trump, Marilyn Monroe, Patrick Henry, Ice Cube, John Maynard Keynes, Boy George, Blaise Pascal, Bob Hope, Sam Snead, Jim Thorpe, John Kennedy, George Bush, Jean Paul Sartre, Brigham Young
Gemini Quote (Male) – Salman Rushdie “What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist
Gemini Quote (Male) – William Pitt “Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom: it is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.”
Gemini Quote (Male) – Drew Carey “You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!”
Gemini Quote (Male) – Johnny Depp “The only gossip I'm interested in is in the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra burst, 11 injured.' That kind of thing”
Gemini Quote (Female) – Brooke Shields “If my jeans could talk, would I be embarrassed?”
Attributes – Mental brilliance, Diplomacy, Vivacity, Enthusiasm, Tact, Cheerfulness, Witty, Versatile, Superficial, Narcissistic, Vain, Indecisive, Prevaricates, Lazy, Untidy, Cunning, Nervous and Tense.
Appropriate Gemini Pets – Wolves which are seen as the nurturing force for those other twins, Romulus and Remus, is the only truly appropriate pet for the Gemini. However, most cities including Moscow, Idaho will not allow them as pets. Therefore, the Gemini should settle for a pet that doesn’t require constant attention such as a snake or worm.
Geminis tend to have dual natures. As such they offer many contradictions.
Physically, the Gemini tends to be small-boned and vertically challenged. They are often two-faced and are capable of speaking out of both sides of their mouth. They are quick and nimble and enjoy fast-paced, exciting sports with lots of action. Most jai alai players are Gemini. They have bright eyes that are constantly darting about trying to observe everything. This can be very disconcerting to anyone trying to explain anything to them. Chewing bores them. They are constantly hurting themselves by touching stoves to see how hot they are.
In social and romantic situations the Gemini duality is again obvious. Most Geminis are hermaphrodites. They like exciting, unorthodox, experimental relationships many of which because of archaic laws are still illegal in most states. They are easily bored with relationships, their family and even their kids. They are constantly looking for something new. Angelina Jolie is a Gemini. The Gemini divorce rates are exceedingly high. They will often pick fights with themselves if no one else is around.
The Geminis are quick and intelligent thinkers. Wit is their forte. They have a sharp humor and love to laugh. They are avid readers and love puns and wordplay. However, because of their dual natures they can also be quarrelsome, boasters, liars, and cheats.
It is natural for them to think on more than one level at a time. They need constant stimulation. LSD is their drug of choice.
Everyone loves a neurotic schizophrenic and the Gemini is well liked by those who don’t know them very well.
Because of their quick wit and intelligence, Geminis typically make good artists, actors, and authors. They are not good at boring, repetitive jobs or jobs that require them to be responsible for the welfare of others. No Gemini has ever won the Indy 500 since though they like the multicolored cars they tend to get bored and distracted at about mile 18. Likewise, they should not be policemen or baby sitters.
In personal finance, the Gemini often expects too much for too little. In other words he is cheap. However, this doesn’t prevent him from buying new toys and capricious whims for himself. He counters this tendency by buying old books and used x-box games as gifts for friends and relatives on holidays.
2010 Horoscope (Gemini) –
Unfortunately, every year is a rough year for the Gemini usually because they make it so for themselves.
You will soon be approached by a man from a company called “Souls R Us” offering you a valuable service.
This year, in a bout of pique or boredom, you will once again quit all the blogs you currently post to. When you eventually come back as you invariably always do it will be with a new avatar and screen name such as Boudica or Xena.
You will visit the Grand Canyon for the first time and be disappointed.
In June, you will meet the love of your life. In July, you will meet the new love of your life. And in August, you will meet the newest love of your life.
In September, Mary (your personality #3) and Helen (your personality #5) will have a dispute about the Feng Shui placement of your strobe light and glitter ball and will not talk to each other for the rest of the year.
In October, you will once more host your annual “Most Interesting People in the World” party. As advertised, the guest list will include many of the world’s most interesting people. The surf and turf buffet will be prepared by world class chefs from Europe and the Far East and will include Asian Blowfish and other dishes prepared from exotic and endangered species.
The entertainment will include several classic rock bands and will be headlined by Lady Ga Ga. As a special treat there will be an octagon death match between Pope Benedict VI and Christopher Hitchens. To even the odds, the match will take place after the cocktail hour (Based on this fact, Vegas odds currently favor Il Papa by a wide margin.).
As usual, you will grow bored quickly and retire to bed by 8:30, long before fireworks begin and the elephants arrive.
In December, you will experience severe mood swings just like those in November and previous months.
Avoid bright shiny objects, mirrors, and hot stoves.
Next Month: Cancer (monthly personalized horoscopes available by request)
• This month we will be offering a new service, numerology readings. Rate cards are available explaining the service along with our latest pamphlet: Gemini and the Number Five: A Five Lane Superhighway to Heaven, or to Hell, or to Both if you like.
• Private readings still available for female members of the EB.
• We are continuing to offer souls for sale under our exclusive “Souls R Us” brand. Souls are continuing to poor in from our New Zealand suppliers but we have recently received notice from the EPA of complaints lodged by our neighbors regarding “soul leakage” from around our warehouses. Therefore, we are further extending our previous offer and will be giving souls packaged in jelly jars, empty votive candle containers, virgin olive oil cans, and five gallon pails as free prizes to anyone using any of our other services (horoscope, tarot or numerology readings).
[Note: Souls will also be available free to anyone having a pick-up truck or small van.]
• Discounts are available to fellow Rosicrucian’s. Bartering alternative available. Secret knowledge accepted. Secret knowledge from ancient Babylonia and Atlantis preferred.