This month’s horoscope is being put out a couple days early because of the following note.
[NOTE: This notice is being issued on all of our websites including Quirk’s Horoscopes.
Please note that through circumstances beyond our control (force majeure) our expert astrologers were unable to publish our 2nd Quarter forecast (usually available only to subscribers) on time at the end of March. Therefore, we are now providing that forecast free to everyone (subscribers will receive a rebate the amount of which has yet to be determined.)
The following is our exclusive 2nd Quarter, 2010 forecast (Please use it in planning your 2nd Quarter actions):
1. There will be significant turmoil in European financial markets which in turn will affect markets around the world.
2. There will be a major oil spill in the Western Hemisphere, possibly in the Gulf of Mexico or another major body of water.
3. There will be political/military conflict in the Mediterranean west of Gaza.
4. The LA Lakers will once again win the NBA championship.
5. A major past crime will be revisited and the perpetrator arrested.
Once again, we apologize for the delay in issuing our 2nd Quarter, 2010 forecast]
- and now-
HOROSCOPE – CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Origin – Fourth sign of the zodiac; named by the ancient Assyrians after the Crab. The sun enters Cancer on the summer solstice, the longest day of the year.
Controlling Planet – Moon
Lucky Day – Monday
Color – Silver/White
Element – Water
Symbol – Crab
Lucky Number - Two
Compatible Signs – Capricorn, Pisces, Scorpio
Incompatible Signs – Aries, Gemini
Famous Cancers – Clarence Thomas, Thurgood Marshall, John Delinger, Leggs Diamond, George Orwell, Imelda Marcos, Princess Diana, Camilla Parker Bowles, Jerry Rubin, Arlo Guthrie, Richard Simmons, Lizzy Borden, Ernest Hemingway, Jimmy Carter, George W. Bush
Cancer Quote (Male) – George Orwell " Power is not a means, it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. "
Cancer Quote (Male) – Milton Berle “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.”
Cancer Quote (Male) – Robin Williams “If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days’’
Cancer Quote (Male) – George Orwell “The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.”
Cancer Quote (Female) – Gilda Radner “Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you.”
Attributes – Kind, sensitive, sympathetic, imaginative, maternal/paternal, solicitous, protective, cautious, patriotic, tenacious, shrewd, thrifty, resourceful, a good homemaker, over-emotional, hypersensitive, moody, devious, changeable, self-pitying, unforgiving, unstable, gullible, untidy.
Cancer is a water sign. It is also a feminine sign. This contributes to it being one of the more complex signs of the zodiac.
The Cancer’s complex nature reflects two extremes. They value stability and the home and will go out of their way to protect them. In fact, they prefer to stay at home and tend to be agoraphobic. They are good at painting, excellent at needlecraft, and are purported to be the best ironers in the zodiac. They are also good at hoarding and Feng Shui.
Problems occur because of their basic insecurity and neediness. They tend to strike out without warning when they feel they are threatened which is often. Being a feminine sign, the Cancer has the concept of the “lock box” down pat. They always remember and rarely forgive the slightest injury whether real or imagined. Most Cancers have inferiority complexes complicated by the fact that most are inferior, at least, on an emotional level. They live by the tenet “To err is human, to forgive unusual.”
Physically, most Cancers, are average to below average in height, stocky, and tend to have short legs. They have round faces with prominent foreheads, small eyes, and a full mouth. Some would describe them as simian. You can usually spot a Cancer by their full breasts. This applies to both men and women. Ironically, though named Cancer, they tend to be pretty healthy. Most are vegetarians. Also ironically, although born under the sign of the crabs, most do not suffer from VD.
The Cancer’s emotional development is quite slow. Man or women, they don’t tend to hit their stride until their mid-30’s. They tend to marry very young. This can lead to legal problems in some states, but beyond that, these early marriages tend to fail because the parties are not emotionally ready. However, by the time they are in their 30’s they have mastered the arts of subtlety, manipulation, and emotional blackmail and seem to get along quite nicely.
Cancers are uncomfortable in social settings. Their basic insecurity, defensiveness, and fear of rejection make them behave in the odd manner of their symbol, the crab. At a party, if attracted to someone, they will never approach them directly. They do it in a sideways, crablike fashion. Laughing loudly, moving from one group to another, ever closer, tripping over cocktail tables, spilling drinks, trying to draw the attention of their target. Their behavior can be quite disconcerting to even the casual observer.
Cancers are intelligent and caring when their brooding and defensiveness does not come into play. They will aggressively protect their most important assets, their homes and families. Their real talent is caring for people, their homes, and the environment. As such, they make good stay-at-home moms (or pops), librarians, nursing home orderlies, and supervisors for organizations like PETA and the Sierra Club. They are also well qualified by temperament and disposition to work as junk yard attendants. They have a basic need for domestic tranquility and will do whatever it takes to achieve it even if that means beating the heck out of their spouse even if only mentally.
Appropriate Cancer Pets – There is only one pet appropriate for the typical Cancer and that is a cat. Prickly and moody, moving from playful to reclusive, the cat personifies the different aspects of your personality. With a cat as a pet the playing ground is level. It can be the same manipulative prick that you are.
-Your 2010 Horoscope (Cancer)–
In July and October, you will make your quarterly trips to the grocery store. They will be uneventful.
In August, your doctor will advise you to take up sports for relaxation and exercise. You will immediately purchase a Nintendo Qui.
In September, while working on a complicated stockinette pattern you will drop a stitch and in your frustration knock over a small bowl of potato chips. In gathering up the chips, you will eat a couple assuming the “five second rule” only to have the rule fail you. You will subsequently end up in the emergency room with a severe e-coli infection.
In November, you will be the recipient of much applause, praise, homage, and hurrahs, only to be followed by accolades, approbation, and acclaim for something that you did, said, or accomplished. Bravo and kudos.
In December, while attempting to moon the mailman in a wild holiday prank, you will discover a large testicular tumor. Merry Christmas.
Next Month: Leo (monthly personalized horoscopes available by request)
• This month we will be offering a new service, “Past Life Regression Analysis”. Each one hour session comes with a free “tickler card” which provides a number of suggestions to help you easily recall past life experiences. These therapeutic sessions under the careful supervision of our skilled Regressionologists (@copyright) are conducted in a soothing setting and are designed to help resolve issues currently marring you present life. Let’s pull up a couch and get started.
• Please note that we have discontinued the sale of souls to the general public under our exclusive “Souls R Us” brand. We regret having to cut off orders to our New Zealand suppliers especially in this period of global slowdown; however, we have been unable to resolve the “soul leakage” issue raised by the EPA. Our entire stock of souls has been moved to a Yucca Mountain repository where they will be held pending auction. Notice of the auction will be sent out soon (wholesalers and dealers only).
• At the request of our many satisfied customers, we are expanding the offerings at our online “Soul R Us” gift shop. This month’s special comes to us from a secret and very exclusive source. It is a limited supply of the famous (some would say infamous) Bilderberg Owl. Available in two colors, this perfectly crafted replica (1/26th scale) would look great on your mantel or side table. Some conspiracy theorists claim this menacing one foot tall visage represents the evil god Molech (Ooooweeooh. Scary stuff. Ha. Ha.). Regardless, it will provide loads of fun as your friends try to guess whether you were or were not at the latest Bilderberg Group conference in Spain.
[The Bilderberg Owls are produced by the same skilled Asian workforces that previously supplied firms such as Nike and Mattel. See picture below.]
• Discounts are available to fellow Rosicrucian’s.