HOROSCOPE – VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
[Lawyer’s Exception Statement: If you are a Virgo please remember that the following paper titled HOROSCOPE – VIRGO reflects an amalgam of general tendencies and characteristics of a large sample of Virgos. It does not reflect the tendencies and characteristics of any particular Virgo attending the EB. We, the lawyers and management, firmly believe that any Virgos at the EB likely have all the positive characteristics of the Virgo while demonstrating few if any of the negative traits. We would change the names to protect the innocent but we are unaware of any innocents at the EB. However, if you would like to sign an affidavit stating that you are in fact an innocent, we will be glad to change your name.
All that being said, talk-show host Nancy Grace, a lawyer and author, states that if you are a Virgo and born between the offending dates of August 23 and September 22 then you are as guilty as sin and should be locked away like the rancid cur you are. (Note: Nancy Grace’s opinions are hers alone and do not reflect the opinions of the management of Souls-R-Us, L.L.P.C. nor its affiliates.)]
Origin – Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac. The sign has always been represented by a young woman, a maiden, imbued with purity.
Controlling Body – Mercury
Lucky Day – Wednesday
Color – Blue
Element – Earth
Symbol – Maiden
Lucky Number - Five
Compatible Signs – Capricorn, Pisces, Taurus
Incompatible Signs – Aquarius, Libra, Aries
Famous Virgos – Margaret Trudeau, Sean Connery, Buddy Holly, Gag Reflex, Leo Tolstoy, Goethe, Oliver Stone, Lyndon Johnson, Trish, Greta Garbo, Agatha Cristie, John McCain, Yassar Arafat, Michael Jackson, D. H. Lawrence, William Howard Taft, Walt Whitman, Samuel Johnson
Virgo Quote (Male) – Craig Kilborn: “A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.
Virgo Quote (Male) – Johann von Goethe: "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything."
Virgo Quote (Male) – Charlie Sheen: “I fell for you like a blind roofer.”
Virgo Quote (Male) – Damon Hill: “Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog.”
Virgo Quote (Female) – Trish: “I didn’t say it was going to be easy.” (Commenting on Whit’s observation that given current demographics it would be difficult to achieve her aim of reclaiming the world beer drinking title from the Chinese.)
Virgo Quote (Female) – Liz Carpenter: “I am 56 and still a Virgo.”
Virgo Quote (Female) – Barbara Ehrenreich: “Natural selection, as it has operated in human history, favours not only the clever but the murderous.”
Virgo Attributes – Methodical, intelligent, meticulous, dependable, industrious, practical, efficient, thorough, observant, analytical, satirical, studious, reliable, down-to-earth, skeptical, over-critical, picky, petty, worry wart, shy, reserved, self-centered, and melancholy
The typical Virgo is not easy to get to know. Intelligent and observant, they value their personal space and are jealous with their time. To some, the Virgo appears aloof and mysterious. The Virgo is kind in a cool and calculating way. However, they are willing to invest a lot of time taking care of those they love. They are sensitive to the emotional needs of others and are willing to listen and offer advice. They usually have good taste, subtlety, and wit. They value knowledge and are proud of their accomplishments.
On the other hand, while capable and efficient, their discrimination can manifest itself on the negative side. They are the critics of the Zodiac. They can be harsh and cynical, their rebukes sarcastic, cutting, and vicious. This shrewishness can turn off some of the other Zodiacal signs. While opinionated, Virgos typically reserve their harshest criticism for themselves.
Virgos are usually very organized. They like to categorize, chart, classify, organize, label. They are also the obsessive-compulsives of the Zodiac. Don’t go changing things around in their neat little color-coordinated closets or in their ordered and articulated minds or they could just freak out taking collateral victims with them.
Virgo women like to chat and gossip; some can talk endlessly. They can also be deeply emotional and sensitive, and upon hearing something that upsets them, sometimes will slip away unseen to have a quick cry before returning to the battle with a scathing rebuke. To the Virgo, to err is human to forgive unusual. They love you for your faults and failings primarily because these can someday be used against you. Love for the Virgo consists in telling you why you are sorry.
The Virgo is not a gambler. They like security. Usually in choosing a career they will choose a job with a steady paycheck as opposed to one that carries risk. They prefer to be the second-fiddle, the power behind the throne. Cardinal Richelieu was a Virgo. Because of this risk aversion, they sometimes end up in jobs where they feel stifled and bored. Virgo’s quiet demeanor, specialized knowledge, and inclination to serve people suggest appropriate jobs are in medicine, writing, the military, and teaching. They also do well as geishas, masseuses, and greeters at Walmart.
Relationships are usually difficult for Virgos. They tend to be shy, reserved, and self-contained. It is true that they are kind and sensitive and willing to attend to the wants and need of others: however, their cool analytical veneers and self-control can be infuriating to passionate types. The male is usually no Don Juan. When presented with a romantic situation, he is likely to start by carefully removing and hanging up his coat and then carefully folding his tie before getting down to business. He eschews public displays of affection. He is likely to have a sex manual with diagrams and instructions regarding the erogenous zones. The female also tends to thinks too much. Though sentimentally romantic deep down, she is too self-conscious. The Virgo would likely be better off skipping the analysis and instead concentrating on the sensual and emotional. They usually wait for someone to say “let’s get down” before actually getting down.
Appropriate Virgo Pets – Virgo pets should reflect the personality of their owner. They should be somewhat edgy, perhaps a little irritable at times, neat and clean. Not particularly affectionate, they dislike sharing toys or food with anyone. Generally they ignore other animals in the household. Typically appropriate pets for the Virgo could be sea urchins, certain types of jellyfish, and clams. Non-aquatic pets might include the porcupine.
[Caution: When purchasing your next pet, make sure it is one your friends like as it will likely outlive you by some nine years. This caution applies only to Virgos living in Marist County, Wisconsin.]
-Your 2010 Horoscope (Virgo)–
This year is expected to offer a mixed bag for the typical Virgo.
• Within a few months your whole world will change. Your days will grow darker. Things will take on a distinct chill. It will be more difficult getting around. This darker period should only last three or four months.
• A homeless person will approach you and ask for any change you can spare. You will immediately start to quiz him on how he will spend the money. You will then begin to share your views on self-reliance and the need to show initiative. After 15 minutes, the homeless person will sigh weekly, turn, and leave. You will continue to follow him for a short distance explaining that he needs to dress better.
• On September 3, there will be a rare conjunction of heavenly bodies in the constellation of Virgo as Mars, Venus, and Jupiter all approach each other in a dazzling celestial display. Only one person will recognize the significance of this event and the fact that this is a sign and a remembrance of an extraordinary birth that took place approximately forty odd years ago. Unfortunately, that one person will be a dyslexic AP reporter traumatized by the recent elections in Colombia whose story explaining the celestial conjunction will be so marred by typos, and spelling and grammatical errors as to render the significance of the event meaningless to all who read the story. Some people will call this poetic justice others will call it Karma.
• On September 13, you will return home after a romantic dinner featuring wine and dancing. Your significant other will then turn down the lights, turn up the fire, and put on some Barry White music. She will sit down beside you, offer you a drink, lean close letting her perfume waft over you, and seductively whisper in your ear, “Let’s go to bed.” You will reply, “Why?”
• In February, you will be reported missing in Afghanistan which will show just how far you are willing to go to avoid Doug.
Next Month: Libra (monthly personalized horoscopes available by request)
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• (1) 8 oz bottle of Uncle Tim’s Bar-B-Q Sauce (available in mild, medium, and hot)
• (1) Secrets of the East Acupuncture Guide
• (1) Secrets of East Texas Bar-B-Q Guide and Cookbook
• (1) DVD titled The Acupuncture Needle and You
• (1) Average size cutout of human figure (male) showing meridians and acupuncture points
• (1) Average size cutout of human figure (female) showing meridians and acupuncture points
• (optional) (1) blowup human figure (male) showing meridians and acupuncture points
• (optional) (1) blowup human figure (female) showing meridians and acupuncture points
• (1) bag of charcoal.
[Note: Optional blow-up figures, male and female, are anatomically correct.]
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[A little housekeeping for some of our subscription members. We would like to apologize for the e-mail sent out yesterday indicating we would soon be offering fortune telling by one who could “tell the future from the fins of a fish”. As noted, the e-mail was sent in error. Our legal department has ruled we will not be able to offer these services at this time. Evidently, there were some olfactory issues associated with the proposed guru. We are attempting to find a more acceptable practitioner of this art and also to determine whether the customer has to bring his own fins or whether they will be provided (or sold) directly from Souls-R-Us ©. Thanks you for your patience]
• As always, discounts on our full range of services are available to the Rosicrucian brotherhood (secret handshake required).